Why?

First, please listen to the first song on my new, fancy music player on the side. It should come up automatically...but take a moment and listen to it all the way through...I'll wait...oh...and here are the lyrics for those of you who may not be able to understand it (Mom!).

"Collide"

We have fallen
We have fallen again tonight
Where do we go from here
When they're tearing down our lives?
When all they want is
When all they want is
For us to live in fear
How long can we hold on?
Can we hold on?
Hold on

There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That's deep inside of you
Something, something, something
Something, something, something
To hold me close when I don't know
There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive

We are healing
But it's killing us inside
Can we take a chance?
When faith and fear collide
We can make it
Step out and take it
We can't live feeling so numb
How long can we hold on?
Can we hold on?
Hold on

There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That's deep inside of you
Something, something, something
Something, something, something
To hold me close when I don't know
There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive [2x]

Let me summarize for you -- it. moves. me. Plain and simply...it moves me...sometimes to tears when I hear this song. Not only is it the beautiful musical arrangement (which doesn't hurt!) but it's the meat of the lyrics. When you have God in your life there is something...deep inside...that makes you able to go on when things just don't make sense. How? What is it? I've been pondering on it and honestly I don't know how to state it. It's just there. It's like love...you know it when you feel it, but how can you possibly explain how it makes you feel?

I have said time and time again that I just don't know how people can make it without God...no hope...there's no "something." It just can't possibly exist without Him. And I'm incredibly grateful that I have "it"...or rather, Him. It helps me rest in His power and all-knowingness even when I just don't get it.

Some things recently have happened that make my mind reel with questions. A while ago I dove into the blog of Todd and Angie Smith. (Todd is in the group Selah.) The blog is written by Angie and she chronicles their journey of amazing faith while going through an incredibly hard time of thier lives. While pregnant with their fourth daughter, they found out that sweet Audrey Caroline would probably enter Heaven before she breathed her first breath here on earth. After months of praying, seeking God, and taking it all in, Audrey was born (in April of this year) and lived for a few hours. I highly recommend reading this blog for a faith boost. They are amazing people...so real and full of God. It makes me ask God questions...why's abound.

Then, last week Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter was tragically killed when one of her brothers was backing out of the driveway and accidently hit her. Grief...not only in losing a child but in helping another one go through one of the darkest time imaginable. I can't even go there..again...questions overwhelm answers.

Earlier this week...as if the family hadn't suffered enough...Todd and Angie (from above) got the news that Todd's sister Nicol's baby had stopped breathing in his sleep and couldn't be revieved. Now sweet baby Luke is in Heaven with his cousin Audrey. But why? Isn't one huge loss for a family enough? Again come the why's...

I worked with a guy who had leukemia when he was in college and beat it. Then, he was diagnosed with it again. This time he was newly married and had a baby on the way. Jon lived to see his baby born, and things started looking very good for him. Then he took a bad turn. While he did live a while longer, he left behind an amazingly strong but broken wife and a beautiful little one who will not remember her daddy. How could God allow this? Again, I ask Him why.

There have been many why's that have come from things in my life -- why are my brothers and sisters in Heaven...having never been able to live on earth and teach me many things -- why was Ben's dad taken to Heaven -- why does He allow people I love to make bad choices -- why does He allow people to be abused by others -- why...why...why... I just don't get it.

But I have that "something." It's so deep in my soul that it is who I am. It overcomes everything else. God is OK when I ask why. He never changes and never fails. He loves me through my confusion and my questioning. He knows it all. I love this. I can work through my issues with Him. As you can tell, it's theraputic to me to get things out in the open...through writing or speaking...and there are so many times when I just talk to God about everything. He actually likes it when I do this...and He's always there!!

So that's my little ditty on why...it all comes back to that "something."